It's amazing how our priorities change as circumstances change. Last week, my most heartfelt prayer was that my placenta would move up and I could have the natural birth experience I wanted. Last Friday, as we rushed to the hospital, my prayer was for safety. "Just please keep him safe. Keep me safe. Just stop the bleeding and let everything be OK." The non rushed actions of the hospital staff reassured us that the situation was not an emergency. As hours and then days passed in the hospital without a decision one way or the other, the prayer was to be able to go home. But what are our priorities really? When it comes right down to it, it's still safety - safety and time. While I could go home and do my bed rest there, worst case scenario is 10 minutes. Just 10 minutes to get the baby out if my placenta ruptures before he suffocates. Aside from the clear danger to the baby, the severe blood lose for the mother carries its own set of risks. With a 30 minute drive from home to hospital, it was a no brainer. You don't risk the life of your child if you have the choice and resources for it to be otherwise.
What I have is unpreventable and untreatable. It's called Placenta Previa. It is when the placenta implants low within the uterus and blocks the cervix. It's not uncommon, but most placentas migrate over time as the uterus grows and it is not an issue. Mine hasn't and to top it all off, it is a complete previa condition. My placenta is essentially capping the cervix. Not only would a vaginal birth be impossible (he would have to literally push through the placenta to be born), but the position of the placenta is incredibly vulnerable to tearing. Any changes / growth of the uterus has the potential to tear and - worse case scenario - rupture the placenta. There is no way to move the placenta and no way to know what action may cause a tear. When I bled Friday, I was sitting down and opened the sliding door to our dessert refrigerator.
So . . . here I am - on hospital bed rest for three weeks. In three weeks, I will be 36 weeks along. We'll test his lungs (the fun belly button shot) and if they are developed, schedule a C-section before any early labor signs kick in and instantly tear the placenta forcing an emergency C-section. We've had the steroid shots to jump start Baby's lung development. Everything has been done to safe guard us both. It's just a waiting game.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Worship Through the Ages
The family and I spent several months searching for a new home church, since finding that the church I grew up in was too far away to maintain relationships. From a previous post you may remember the check list.
1) Good message
2) Good worship
3) Good people
4) People our age (preferably with kids the same age as ours)
5) Good children's program
Rare is there all five characteristics in one church body and while I do understand no church is going to be like my old church, its hard to know when you find your new church home and when to move on.
Anyway . . . I think we're there! Good Message. Good People. A Children's Program. (A few) people our own age. Added bonus - my mother-in-law goes to church there too. The kids love going to church with their Grammie and she loves having us sit in the pew beside her. The only thing . . . the worship sucks! No offense. I have great hopes for the future. There is talent and new church leadership is sensitive to their shortcomings.
Worship is EXTREMELY important to me. I don't have words to describe it. I also don't have the words to communicate the feeling of nails on a chalkboard uninspired squawking on a stage labeled as worship creates either. It drives me nuts! I understand making a place in any worship service for yourself even with the driest songs and worst leadership, but I also recognize the distraction bad worship can be for the congregation. Instead of preparing the heart to hear the word I spend the time being irritated about what's going on on stage while the congregation zones out. All that aside, I spend way too much time thinking during the service when I should be listening. This last Sunday I was thinking about the shelf life of songs, in particular, worship songs. Here's the theory I came up with last Sunday.
I think there are very few songs that hold their power beyond the time in which they were written. This goes for songs of the world and songs of the church. The Beatles wrote a few songs that outlived their performance of them. "Amazing Grace" will always touch the heart. But, Lord knows, one hit wonders abound and last year's hits are long gone. Even recent powerhouse worship songs like "Shout to the Lord" and "How Great is Our God" aren't what they were the first ten times you heard them. I feel like most inspired worship music is given for specific times in the church body's growth. God's word is evolving as he gives new inspiration and breathes new life into the Word of God. He is not stagnant nor is our relationship with him. The same goes for worship music. New inspiration is given and new leaders and song writers step up each with their own skills and talents to be used. While there are a few universal messages that never lose their power, you don't recycle sermons. Worship songs are endlessly replayed and recycled and rarely with the power and intention of the original writers and musicians. If you're going to do an oldie but goodie, I feel like you should at least put a modern spin on it. I love what recent musicians have done with some of the classic hymns - adding a chorus to what is usually a bunch of wordy verses, playing with instrumentation and even the chords. Traditional Christmas songs are the best example of this. Wordy, traditional chords, no repetitive chorus, no emotional upswing just one feel the whole way thru. The list goes on. The words aren't the problem for most of the traditional hymns. More often than not, they're straight from the Psalms. The problem is you LISTEN to wordy songs, you don't enter into worship with them!
I could continue to expound (or rant, if you will), but I think I have said enough for now.
1) Good message
2) Good worship
3) Good people
4) People our age (preferably with kids the same age as ours)
5) Good children's program
Rare is there all five characteristics in one church body and while I do understand no church is going to be like my old church, its hard to know when you find your new church home and when to move on.
Anyway . . . I think we're there! Good Message. Good People. A Children's Program. (A few) people our own age. Added bonus - my mother-in-law goes to church there too. The kids love going to church with their Grammie and she loves having us sit in the pew beside her. The only thing . . . the worship sucks! No offense. I have great hopes for the future. There is talent and new church leadership is sensitive to their shortcomings.
Worship is EXTREMELY important to me. I don't have words to describe it. I also don't have the words to communicate the feeling of nails on a chalkboard uninspired squawking on a stage labeled as worship creates either. It drives me nuts! I understand making a place in any worship service for yourself even with the driest songs and worst leadership, but I also recognize the distraction bad worship can be for the congregation. Instead of preparing the heart to hear the word I spend the time being irritated about what's going on on stage while the congregation zones out. All that aside, I spend way too much time thinking during the service when I should be listening. This last Sunday I was thinking about the shelf life of songs, in particular, worship songs. Here's the theory I came up with last Sunday.
I think there are very few songs that hold their power beyond the time in which they were written. This goes for songs of the world and songs of the church. The Beatles wrote a few songs that outlived their performance of them. "Amazing Grace" will always touch the heart. But, Lord knows, one hit wonders abound and last year's hits are long gone. Even recent powerhouse worship songs like "Shout to the Lord" and "How Great is Our God" aren't what they were the first ten times you heard them. I feel like most inspired worship music is given for specific times in the church body's growth. God's word is evolving as he gives new inspiration and breathes new life into the Word of God. He is not stagnant nor is our relationship with him. The same goes for worship music. New inspiration is given and new leaders and song writers step up each with their own skills and talents to be used. While there are a few universal messages that never lose their power, you don't recycle sermons. Worship songs are endlessly replayed and recycled and rarely with the power and intention of the original writers and musicians. If you're going to do an oldie but goodie, I feel like you should at least put a modern spin on it. I love what recent musicians have done with some of the classic hymns - adding a chorus to what is usually a bunch of wordy verses, playing with instrumentation and even the chords. Traditional Christmas songs are the best example of this. Wordy, traditional chords, no repetitive chorus, no emotional upswing just one feel the whole way thru. The list goes on. The words aren't the problem for most of the traditional hymns. More often than not, they're straight from the Psalms. The problem is you LISTEN to wordy songs, you don't enter into worship with them!
I could continue to expound (or rant, if you will), but I think I have said enough for now.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Near Wedding Disaster (i.e. giving thanks to God)
Weddings are supposed to be a jumping off point of a young couple's life together. Whether traditional or trendy the couple (particularly the bride) is emotional vested in the ceremony and what the event means. Even the most minor of 'hiccups' on this special day could ruin an otherwise perfect experience. Who hasn't seen or experienced a bridezilla moment at one point or another? It has always been my greatest fear to be the perpetrator who instigates one such bridezilla moment. Being a organized person and experienced in event planning, I would have liked to think that I think of everything and plan for every circumstance. Today, however, I was humbled.
A young couple who frequents the restaurant asked us to prepare a portion of their wedding reception menu. They would be taking care of the appetizers and one of the entrees. We would prepare and deliver two other entrees, the starch, the salad, the bread and dessert including a sheet cake for the cake cutting. Here's the kicker. The couple wanted the meal delivered, hot and ready to serve to the Yachats Lions Club. Simple right?
Well it should have been. Earlier I had entered the town of Yachats into www.googlemap.com in order estimate milage for the couples reception estimate. It was 75 miles, an estimated hour and half drive. Today, I arrived at the restaurant with time to load everything as well as giving myself (at my husband's suggestion) an extra half an hour drive time to deal with Saturday traffic on HWY 126. Just before leaving, I printed off exact directions to the reception site with the street address the bride had given me. But wait . . . these directions say it is TWO AND A HALF HOURS to the reception site! The Yachats Lions Club is apparently in Otterrock! Serveral more google map searches later, a frantic but fruitless look for a wedding party phone number, and a vague recollection of the bride mentioning something about Otterock, I rush out the door with said google map intructions in hand already forty-five minutes behind my new schedule.
As I speed along, I reasoned with myself. "Ok. I'm scheduled to arrive a half an hour before the ceremony. I'm only forty-five minutes behind. I'll get there fifteen minutes into the ceremony and no one will notice I am late," I thought. This reasoning alternated with "Oh God, please." Please get this slow car out of my way. Please don't let me miss my turn off again. Please make the road straighter so I can go faster. Things like that.
After a missed highway connection in Corvallis I arrive in Otterrock an hour later than the agreed upon delivery time and 344 4th street, Otterrock, Oregon is nowhere to be found. Not a single local knew of a 4th street OR a Lions Club in Otterrock. With my father talking me through a detailed google map description of Otterrock I arrive at 4th street and find myself on a deserted deadend road with no Yachat club in site. I have no choice but to disregard www.googlemaps.com and go with the logical assumption that the Yachats Lions Club is in Yachats (not Otterrock regardless of what google says) an hour away.
By this point, I had worried myself out. There was no way to make this better. "I've ruined this couples wedding," I thought. Appetizers will be gone. People will be just waiting around for me to show up. The bride will be frantic. If one digruntled customer tells ten about their bad experience, what will 120 disappoined/impatient/streesed wedding guests do? Have I just ruined by business reputation forever? WHAT CAN I SAY TO MAKE THIS OK?
Two hours late for my delivery, I pull up at the reception site. I see assorted guests standing outside, most with a drink in hand. I take a deep breath and pray one quick prayer. It was a simple prayer. "Please, God" I prayed. "Give me the words to make this right and give me peace."
First contact was nothing much. The two closest guys offer to help me carry. "Sure," I said. In my mind I am thinking, "I could use all the help I can get!" We begin carrying cambros through the guests to the kitchen. I begin setting up the buffet while the guys continue to haul things in. Then the GROOM asks what he can do to help!
Miracle of miracles! No words were neccessary. Things hadn't progress very far at all. The couple was still taking pictures. Appetizers were still out. The entree they were in charge of wasn't even ready to put out yet! I tried to apologize for being late. Trying not to make excuses, I explain about the Otterrock address and found that they had seen the same thing online. (They, at least, had already had a physical experince with the reception site.) They ended up APOLOGIZING TO ME for the stress I had experienced! They love the restaurant. They stop by for brunch on their way to the coast everytime. They tell (and will be telling) everyone about us. I couldn't have asked for (yet recieved) an easier situation than that. They let me know I can even be expecting a tip with return our equipment!
Now that's an answer to pray!
A young couple who frequents the restaurant asked us to prepare a portion of their wedding reception menu. They would be taking care of the appetizers and one of the entrees. We would prepare and deliver two other entrees, the starch, the salad, the bread and dessert including a sheet cake for the cake cutting. Here's the kicker. The couple wanted the meal delivered, hot and ready to serve to the Yachats Lions Club. Simple right?
Well it should have been. Earlier I had entered the town of Yachats into www.googlemap.com in order estimate milage for the couples reception estimate. It was 75 miles, an estimated hour and half drive. Today, I arrived at the restaurant with time to load everything as well as giving myself (at my husband's suggestion) an extra half an hour drive time to deal with Saturday traffic on HWY 126. Just before leaving, I printed off exact directions to the reception site with the street address the bride had given me. But wait . . . these directions say it is TWO AND A HALF HOURS to the reception site! The Yachats Lions Club is apparently in Otterrock! Serveral more google map searches later, a frantic but fruitless look for a wedding party phone number, and a vague recollection of the bride mentioning something about Otterock, I rush out the door with said google map intructions in hand already forty-five minutes behind my new schedule.
As I speed along, I reasoned with myself. "Ok. I'm scheduled to arrive a half an hour before the ceremony. I'm only forty-five minutes behind. I'll get there fifteen minutes into the ceremony and no one will notice I am late," I thought. This reasoning alternated with "Oh God, please." Please get this slow car out of my way. Please don't let me miss my turn off again. Please make the road straighter so I can go faster. Things like that.
After a missed highway connection in Corvallis I arrive in Otterrock an hour later than the agreed upon delivery time and 344 4th street, Otterrock, Oregon is nowhere to be found. Not a single local knew of a 4th street OR a Lions Club in Otterrock. With my father talking me through a detailed google map description of Otterrock I arrive at 4th street and find myself on a deserted deadend road with no Yachat club in site. I have no choice but to disregard www.googlemaps.com and go with the logical assumption that the Yachats Lions Club is in Yachats (not Otterrock regardless of what google says) an hour away.
By this point, I had worried myself out. There was no way to make this better. "I've ruined this couples wedding," I thought. Appetizers will be gone. People will be just waiting around for me to show up. The bride will be frantic. If one digruntled customer tells ten about their bad experience, what will 120 disappoined/impatient/streesed wedding guests do? Have I just ruined by business reputation forever? WHAT CAN I SAY TO MAKE THIS OK?
Two hours late for my delivery, I pull up at the reception site. I see assorted guests standing outside, most with a drink in hand. I take a deep breath and pray one quick prayer. It was a simple prayer. "Please, God" I prayed. "Give me the words to make this right and give me peace."
First contact was nothing much. The two closest guys offer to help me carry. "Sure," I said. In my mind I am thinking, "I could use all the help I can get!" We begin carrying cambros through the guests to the kitchen. I begin setting up the buffet while the guys continue to haul things in. Then the GROOM asks what he can do to help!
Miracle of miracles! No words were neccessary. Things hadn't progress very far at all. The couple was still taking pictures. Appetizers were still out. The entree they were in charge of wasn't even ready to put out yet! I tried to apologize for being late. Trying not to make excuses, I explain about the Otterrock address and found that they had seen the same thing online. (They, at least, had already had a physical experince with the reception site.) They ended up APOLOGIZING TO ME for the stress I had experienced! They love the restaurant. They stop by for brunch on their way to the coast everytime. They tell (and will be telling) everyone about us. I couldn't have asked for (yet recieved) an easier situation than that. They let me know I can even be expecting a tip with return our equipment!
Now that's an answer to pray!
Monday, June 29, 2009
Munchkin Dictionary
We all carry on language patterns from our families - the old tomaeto vs tomauto debate. Kids have an additional language pattern which most grow out of. Most words in this language happen because young minds and mouths can't pronounce the English words the rest of us use. I've noticed our Munchkins have a few words that have stuck around. But cutest by far . . . are all of their variations on MY name.
Tabafa
Tabfa
Taba - taba (slow)
Tabataba (fast)
Taba
Initially these variation were because they had a problem pronouncing the 'th' in my name as I was getting to know them (and dating their father). Now their precious variations on my name alleviate the awkward 'what should they call me' moments most stepmothers have to deal with. I hope they never lose them, but am sure they will reach a moment around puberty where they'll feel the need to leave behind such childhood habits.
Tabafa
Tabfa
Taba - taba (slow)
Tabataba (fast)
Taba
Initially these variation were because they had a problem pronouncing the 'th' in my name as I was getting to know them (and dating their father). Now their precious variations on my name alleviate the awkward 'what should they call me' moments most stepmothers have to deal with. I hope they never lose them, but am sure they will reach a moment around puberty where they'll feel the need to leave behind such childhood habits.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Joys of Small Business (i.e. family, money, and time off)
Dear small businesses owners:
You have my condolences and my congratulations. I never understood before my own business venture the hardships and joys of owning and running your own business.
* The never ending worry about money, staffing, and maintaining excellent customer service.
* The satisfaction of a happy diner, a gushing thank you letter, a successful event and regulars.
* The disappointment of a bad dinner service, a slow week, or money down the drain.
* The freedom to make you own schedule, take an extra day off, or decide the course of your efforts.
* The ownership of each success and failure alike.
A family run business has its own particular hardships and joys. Everything is personal and work always comes home with you. Everyone pitches in when the need arises, yet much remains unspoken. Every success is more meaningful. Every failure is more personal. Relationships affect every decision for the good and the bad. It can be a deal breaker or sealer.
Here's to you who take on business ownership, who make your own way, and work the long hours after everyone else has gone home. I prayer the best for you. I hope that you get ahead far enough to retire or pass on your legacy rather than working full time until you are 90. I pray for your health, that your body can withstand the hours, stress, and worry of owning a small business. I wish the best for all relationships and family members involved that all survive the trials of running a business and all come out unscathed on the other end and better for the experience. I understand now.
You have my condolences and my congratulations. I never understood before my own business venture the hardships and joys of owning and running your own business.
* The never ending worry about money, staffing, and maintaining excellent customer service.
* The satisfaction of a happy diner, a gushing thank you letter, a successful event and regulars.
* The disappointment of a bad dinner service, a slow week, or money down the drain.
* The freedom to make you own schedule, take an extra day off, or decide the course of your efforts.
* The ownership of each success and failure alike.
A family run business has its own particular hardships and joys. Everything is personal and work always comes home with you. Everyone pitches in when the need arises, yet much remains unspoken. Every success is more meaningful. Every failure is more personal. Relationships affect every decision for the good and the bad. It can be a deal breaker or sealer.
Here's to you who take on business ownership, who make your own way, and work the long hours after everyone else has gone home. I prayer the best for you. I hope that you get ahead far enough to retire or pass on your legacy rather than working full time until you are 90. I pray for your health, that your body can withstand the hours, stress, and worry of owning a small business. I wish the best for all relationships and family members involved that all survive the trials of running a business and all come out unscathed on the other end and better for the experience. I understand now.
Grandparents (ie. breaking the curse)
This is re-post from last year which I removed to honor an uncle's request, but it needs to said. I love you grandpa!
June, 2009
Tonight I said Goodbye to my grandparents for, what I believe is, the last time. My grandmother has burnt has last bridge with my parents and my grandparents will be leaving tomorrow to live on the east coast. They will be living with their last child.
My grandmother has a long and sordid history of alienating and/or disowning one or all of her four children. It's a sad thing when the strongest memories I have of my grandmother are negative ones. It's a sad thing to watch a woman at the end of her life make the same prideful mistakes she made before you were even born. A lifetime of illness and fragile health brought about from resentment and a hardened heart. How can a mother disown a daughter who left her family and business in distress to 'rescue' her - move her lock, stock, and barrel into her own home sacrificing her own family to care for her parents? I don't understand it, but I watched it happen. In thinking about my grandmother, I have chalked her up to one of life's lessons - one I need to learn from. So what can I learn from my grandmother's lifetime of selfishness and self pity? OH, Let me count the ways!
1) Grow up. Mature with age and gain wisdom as you go. There's nothing less attractive than an 80 year old woman with the emotional maturity of a junior higher.
2) Learn from your mistakes. Life may be a spiral, but every time you come around again, the hurdles should be easier.
3) Age gracefully. Bitterness poisons you from the inside out. If you want to live a long and healthy life - live a happy life not storing up offenses and spewing at those around you.
4) Be real. Life is to short to fake your way through it. Life should never be about putting on a smiling face and pretending the ugliness of the night before never happened.
5) Give without the expectation of receiving. Give for the joy of giving not the satisfaction of being recognized. No one should feel guilty for not writing a thank you note.
6)Love without conditions. What do you have to cling to at the end of your life, but the relationships you've built throughout the course of it? Destroy them and you will be a sad, bitter, lonely old woman with nothing but your pride to cling to.
My greatest hope is to not carry these lessons through to my kids. I have enough to learn from in my life without repeating the mistakes of my ancestors.
THIS IS MY PRAYER . . .
May my pride not blind me to my own shortcomings.
May I have the grace to admit when I am wrong, the humility to make amends
and the desire to do better.
May I remember that all we have take from this world into the next are the
relationships we cultivate.
May my desire for control not control me.
May I love unconditionally, give without hesitation, and live joyfully.
GROW up and LEARN from your mistakes, AGE gracefully, GIVE without expectations, and LOVE unconditionally. Did I miss anything?
June, 2009
Tonight I said Goodbye to my grandparents for, what I believe is, the last time. My grandmother has burnt has last bridge with my parents and my grandparents will be leaving tomorrow to live on the east coast. They will be living with their last child.
My grandmother has a long and sordid history of alienating and/or disowning one or all of her four children. It's a sad thing when the strongest memories I have of my grandmother are negative ones. It's a sad thing to watch a woman at the end of her life make the same prideful mistakes she made before you were even born. A lifetime of illness and fragile health brought about from resentment and a hardened heart. How can a mother disown a daughter who left her family and business in distress to 'rescue' her - move her lock, stock, and barrel into her own home sacrificing her own family to care for her parents? I don't understand it, but I watched it happen. In thinking about my grandmother, I have chalked her up to one of life's lessons - one I need to learn from. So what can I learn from my grandmother's lifetime of selfishness and self pity? OH, Let me count the ways!
1) Grow up. Mature with age and gain wisdom as you go. There's nothing less attractive than an 80 year old woman with the emotional maturity of a junior higher.
2) Learn from your mistakes. Life may be a spiral, but every time you come around again, the hurdles should be easier.
3) Age gracefully. Bitterness poisons you from the inside out. If you want to live a long and healthy life - live a happy life not storing up offenses and spewing at those around you.
4) Be real. Life is to short to fake your way through it. Life should never be about putting on a smiling face and pretending the ugliness of the night before never happened.
5) Give without the expectation of receiving. Give for the joy of giving not the satisfaction of being recognized. No one should feel guilty for not writing a thank you note.
6)Love without conditions. What do you have to cling to at the end of your life, but the relationships you've built throughout the course of it? Destroy them and you will be a sad, bitter, lonely old woman with nothing but your pride to cling to.
My greatest hope is to not carry these lessons through to my kids. I have enough to learn from in my life without repeating the mistakes of my ancestors.
THIS IS MY PRAYER . . .
May my pride not blind me to my own shortcomings.
May I have the grace to admit when I am wrong, the humility to make amends
and the desire to do better.
May I remember that all we have take from this world into the next are the
relationships we cultivate.
May my desire for control not control me.
May I love unconditionally, give without hesitation, and live joyfully.
GROW up and LEARN from your mistakes, AGE gracefully, GIVE without expectations, and LOVE unconditionally. Did I miss anything?
Friday, May 29, 2009
Life's Lessons at 4 am
Its never a good sign for me to be awake at 4 am. I am usually aware of the White Knight getting up in the morning to go to the gym, coming back and then going to work, but falling back asleep until 6:30 or so is rarely a problem for me. Unless, that is, I have something on my mind. Most of us have those nights where we stare at the ceiling, unable to go to sleep because our brain won't stop thinking. I get that in the morning as well where my brain is unable to relax and wakes me up bright and early to beginning running over the details again. A busy brain usually happens before a large event at the restaurant where details of how and when and who kept running through my head not allowing my body to quiet down. In order to relax, I have to take the time to write out the details of the event to the letter to give my brain the reassurance that, "yes, the details are taken care of you can quit thinking about it now."
Despite a large event tomorrow, this morning's early rising has more to do with emotional and relational circumstances than work details running through my mind. These worries will not be set aside by writing out the details. I have to deal with the people involved as well as my own 'vain imaginations' on the subject. You know, life's Lessons are rarely flattering to the participant. Instead these learning times followed by introspective thoughts reveal our pettiest and most selfish qualities. Not something a perfectionist likes to dwell on. Admitting the shortcomings in myself seems to be the hardest part. I like to be right and I really, really, REALLY don't like to be wrong. Recognizing the problems and their solutions doesn't mean I want to fix them.
If you are aware of a person's desires / wants/ emotional needs are you obligated to go outside of your comfort zone to accommodate them? For instance, if you know someone's love language is touch, yet you avoid hugging them as it makes you uncomfortable (i.e. - not your love language) is that selfishness? Probably. Accommodating them would come under the heading of 'giving of yourself.' It probably depends on the relationship and your desire to deepen the relationship or not. I notice my desire to accommodate my loved ones is directly related to how I am feeling about them at the time. When I am irritated at them, my patience level with their weaknesses has a lower threshold and I find myself deliberately NOT accommodating them. As if withholding something they want or need from me at the time will make ME feel better about them or myself? Am I punishing them for some veiled slight or long ago offense? Or am I punishing them for not recognizing MY desires / wants/ emotional needs and not accommodating me?
Its a hard thing to look in the mirror, judge yourself, and find yourself lacking - to know that you're not as selfless as you want to be or others believe you to be. I would think God uses the stillness of the night and early morning to bring things to light that need our attention. Its probably the best time to get MY attention as I stuff my waking hours with all sorts of distractions. So here I am, up at 4 am and meditating on one of Life's Lessons - serving others.
Despite a large event tomorrow, this morning's early rising has more to do with emotional and relational circumstances than work details running through my mind. These worries will not be set aside by writing out the details. I have to deal with the people involved as well as my own 'vain imaginations' on the subject. You know, life's Lessons are rarely flattering to the participant. Instead these learning times followed by introspective thoughts reveal our pettiest and most selfish qualities. Not something a perfectionist likes to dwell on. Admitting the shortcomings in myself seems to be the hardest part. I like to be right and I really, really, REALLY don't like to be wrong. Recognizing the problems and their solutions doesn't mean I want to fix them.
If you are aware of a person's desires / wants/ emotional needs are you obligated to go outside of your comfort zone to accommodate them? For instance, if you know someone's love language is touch, yet you avoid hugging them as it makes you uncomfortable (i.e. - not your love language) is that selfishness? Probably. Accommodating them would come under the heading of 'giving of yourself.' It probably depends on the relationship and your desire to deepen the relationship or not. I notice my desire to accommodate my loved ones is directly related to how I am feeling about them at the time. When I am irritated at them, my patience level with their weaknesses has a lower threshold and I find myself deliberately NOT accommodating them. As if withholding something they want or need from me at the time will make ME feel better about them or myself? Am I punishing them for some veiled slight or long ago offense? Or am I punishing them for not recognizing MY desires / wants/ emotional needs and not accommodating me?
Its a hard thing to look in the mirror, judge yourself, and find yourself lacking - to know that you're not as selfless as you want to be or others believe you to be. I would think God uses the stillness of the night and early morning to bring things to light that need our attention. Its probably the best time to get MY attention as I stuff my waking hours with all sorts of distractions. So here I am, up at 4 am and meditating on one of Life's Lessons - serving others.
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